A few weeks ago on a random Sunday we took our kids to get ice cream. Later one, when our kids were watching a show, I decided to use the quiet time to read a book. As I was reading, I gradually got this uncomfortable feeling right below my ribs on my right side. Now, this had been happening on and off to me for about a year, so it was nothing new and I had already been to the doctor about it. But I didn’t realize that this time would not be the same as all the others. Usually when this sensation came on after eating it would last about 20 minutes and then dissipate. This day was different, this time it didn’t ease up, it stayed steady and strong. I had told my husband and he checked in on me a few times. After about two hours, we realized that this wasn’t the same as all of the other times. We needed to do something because it was not subsiding.
My mom came over to watch our kids and we headed to the ER. Leaving was not easy. My kids could tell something was wrong, I was obviously uncomfortable, and I had a hard time getting up or talking because the pain was so persistent (it reminded me a little bit of being in labor). When we left, my kids didn’t want to give me a hug because they were afraid. I couldn’t blame them, they’ve never really seen me in pain. My son didn’t want to come out of his room because he was sad we were leaving, and my daughter didn’t want to come near me out of fear that she would hurt me more by giving me a hug. I knew that they were safe with my mom and I hoped that we would be back in a few hours…that was wishful thinking.
If you’ve ever been to the ER, you know that everything takes a long time. I knew it would be that way, and I appreciated all of the work that the staff was doing to get to everyone. Eventually we went back and I was seen by a nurse and a PA. The next step was an ultrasound. Everyone, including me, suspected that the problem was my gallbladder. Now, I had known since last summer that I had some gallstones, but I had stopped having issues for months. I hadn’t moved forward with seeing a surgeon about potentially having it removed because my symptoms had subsided. I thought the attacks I had last year were largely from stress and anxiety, as they stopped when I started taking an anti-anxiety medication. In the weeks prior to this particular attack I had started having them again, but they were few and far between and didn’t last very long. I thought I had time to meet with a surgeon if they continued. I was wrong.
The ultrasound showed that I had A LOT of gallstones and that my gallbladder was inflamed, which meant it needed to come out. Now, at this point it was ten o’clock at night, so surgery was not going to happen that day because it was not an immediate emergency. However, they told me I couldn’t leave because of the inflammation. They needed to admit me and give me antibiotics so that the inflammation didn’t get worse and cause more problems. Thankfully by this time, the uncomfortable bloating and burning I was feeling earlier had finally subsided and I felt relatively normal. Now remember, it was Sunday, they couldn’t fit me in for surgery until Tuesday, and I wasn’t allowed to go home. And the next day was the start of spring break for my kids. Cool.
Releasing Control
At the news that I couldn’t leave, I immediately started to think about what all of this meant for my kids. I wasn’t worried about having surgery, I was surprisingly calm about that. I think that was mostly due the fact that my mom-brain activated and I jumped into problem solving mode. We had made plans every day of spring break to get together with friends or family. My kids were so excited. I knew they would be devastated that all of our plans would be cancelled. While we were at the hospital we were in constant contact with my mom, my brother, and his wife who all live nearby. They immediately jumped into action, and I could not have been more grateful.
I had to give up control. I had to be okay with other people making decisions about my kids’ meals and activities. I knew I wouldn’t see them for days, and that in itself was difficult to take. While I worked to contact everyone that we had plans with, my sister-in-law started stepping in. She brought her kids over the next day to play and they stayed the entire day. They got pizza for dinner and she cleaned my entire house, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to do that during my recovery. It gave me a sense of calm to know that my kids were in such loving and caring hands while I was gone. I had to accept the fact that things were not going to go the way they would have gone if I had been home, and that was okay. My husband couldn’t sleep at the hospital, so he was there in the mornings to help get breakfast going and get the kids ready for the day. After they were good, he came to the hospital and stayed all day with me while we waited.
Thankfully, I was able to have the surgery on Monday, and was discharged Tuesday afternoon. But even though I was discharged, I had strict instructions from my surgeon to “not be supermom” when I went home. He explicitly told me that I HAD to rest, and could not jump right back into normal life. I appreciated the fact that he understood how much moms do, and how difficult it would be to rest. He even went so far as to ask if we had support that could step in to help while I was recovering. I couldn’t drive for a week and I couldn’t lift more than 10 pounds for two weeks. I had to ask for a lot of help.
What It Felt Like to Ask For Help
Realizing that I was not going to be able to head right back to normal life was humbling. I’m used to being everything for everyone else, and I was forced to rely on others. Usually that kind of thing makes me feel guilty, but in this circumstance, I knew that pushing myself was only going to delay my recovery and make things worse. I had no choice. At first it felt weird, I was a little unsure what was realistic in terms of what my body could handle and what other people were willing to give. I had never had surgery before, so I didn’t know how anything would actually feel. I quickly found out that I couldn’t do much. I was sore all over and could barely move. Even my neck and shoulders were sore and it was difficult to take deep breaths. Even walking seemed difficult in those first few days. I basically stayed in bed and had to have people get most things for me.
Do you know what happened? Everyone stepped up and stepped in, often without me having to ask. My kids were adorable about filling up my water bottle or taking my order for breakfast or lunch. My husband balanced working full-time with making sure the kids were occupied so that I could rest. My mom and sister-in-law brought over dinners so that my husband and I wouldn’t have to worry about cooking. Even family from out of state sent us Doordash for dinner so that we didn’t have to think about it. People showed up in ways that I never would have asked them to, and it meant a lot. It showed me that I am allowed to lean on others and not take on everything by myself. We had friends offering to watch the kids for us so that my husband could work and I could rest without interruption. One day my sister-in-law picked up the kids and took them to the movies with her kids. It was an outpouring of love that I didn’t quite know what to do with.
In the first few days, I wasn’t sure about accepting all of the help people were offering. I figured that my husband and I could just figure it out, because that’s what we’ve always done. But then I realized that wasn’t fair to either of us. I needed to rest and recover (and I could barely move the first few days), but he was also trying to recover. He had watched me in pain and sat with me for hours in the hospital. He was stressed and worried. Then, when we were back home, he had to juggle working his job, helping our kids, and keeping them occupied so that I could rest. It wasn’t fair for him to have to figure out dinner at the end of the day either. I wanted to accept help for both of us. I wanted both of us to be able to have something taken off of our plates. Because yes, I was the one who had surgery and I needed to rest so my body could heal, but ultimately we are a team. I needed the help so that we could both have some relief from the stress of what was going on. It would have made everything harder to pretend that either of us was capable of taking on one more thing. And while we both benefited from the help we received, it taught me things that I hadn’t truly realized before.
What I’ve Learned
This experience has made me reflect on what it really means to ask for (and accept) help, as well as the very real obstacles and inner thoughts that go along with doing so. Everyone always says that moms shouldn’t hold so much, that they should ask for more help. But overcoming the guilt of not being able to “do it all”, is not an easy task. It takes courage, and in my case necessity, to finally ask for help, or accept help when it is offered. Knowing that it would make a difference and actually doing it are two different things. After going through this experience, I realized how much of a difference it makes to have a support group to rely on. The fact that so many moms have no support group is a large reason why many don’t ask for help. They don’t have people they can rely on to show up for them when they need, so they push through on their own. This unexpected event in my life made me want to work even harder to help other moms make their voices heard, to not be afraid to ask for help, and to create communities of moms willing to lean on and help each other. Not only do I have a deeper understanding of how difficult it is to take the initial step of asking for help, but I also have a deeper drive to help other moms reach a place where they feel comfortable doing so.
Why Is It So Hard to Ask For Help?
What is your view of a mom in the general sense? Is it someone who knows where everything is and has a calendar constantly going in her head of every appointment or activity for every family member? Does “mom” mean that you are expected to know everything for everyone, almost like a family hard drive? Does “mom” mean you have to carry the mental load for every task related to your household and family? In our society a lot is expected of moms. We are expected to hold everyone else together and figure out how to keep everything running smoothly. Many times that means that we come up with systems and processes that we feel like will make or break the schedule for the day. It feels like we are the only ones that can handle it because we are the one that has come up with the system. So what happens when we feel like we need help?
It’s hard to ask for help when you are seen as the person who is supposed to be able to handle everything. There is a sense of fear that if you ask for help, that must mean that you are failing in some way (by the way, it definitely does NOT mean that). There may be a feeling of guilt that goes along with asking someone to help you carry part of your load, even temporarily. You’re supposed to be able to “do it all.” So you shouldn’t need to ask for help, right?!
The thing is, this is how it has been for moms for generations, but that doesn’t mean that it was ever the correct way for it to be. Asking one person to hold so much without EVER needing help is unrealistic. Moms are not robots. We have needs and we get tired. We get sick or have unexpected (or expected) surgery and physically cannot keep holding everything up. You are not failing if you ask for help. You are not being a bad mom if you ask for help. It does not mean that you don’t care or don’t love your family. Asking for help means you’re overwhelmed and approaching burn out. It means unrealistic expectations have been placed on you and you are ready to make a change. Asking for help means that your needs and feelings matter and are worth other people taking into account. Is it hard to ask for help? Definitely. Does it benefit you and your family when you do? Definitely.
How Accepting Help Can Change You For the Better
My first instinct when everyone started offering to help during and after my surgery, was to not be an imposition on others. My immediate response to things like that in the past have been, “Oh no, that’s okay! You don’t have to do that, we’ll figure it out!” But this time I forced myself to stop and think about what I needed before answering. I realized that while yes, my husband and I could probably figure it out, it was an added stress we didn’t need. We were already juggling a lot of feelings and stress from both us and our kids that having something else taken care of by others was welcome!
I also saw this amazing thing come to light that has probably always been there in the background. I saw that it was okay for me to let go of some control. Our life and our family did not fall apart because I was not at the helm of every activity or meal. I realized that my kids were more capable and independent than I thought. I also realized that I tell my kids all the time that it is okay to ask for help. We often say, “No one knows what you need unless you say it out loud.” Not being able to open the freezer, and having to ask my four year old to help, lit him up! He was so excited to be helpful to me when I needed it. I hadn’t been taking the advice that we so often remind them of. I haven’t always been telling people what I need. I’ve been holding it all by myself and feeling like I had to juggle a million things at once because I’m mom, and that’s my job. Asking for help lifted a weight, gave me a new lightness and freedom.
The Difference Between Asking Once and Building A New Pattern
Now obviously, my experience of having emergency surgery is different from needing help on an every day basis. Since this happened a few weeks ago, I’m pretty much back to normal. I have to still take it easy with exercise and strenuous physical activity, but in our daily lives things went back to normal. No one is making us meals anymore, no one is coming over to clean our house, and no one is helping to watch our kids so that I can rest. We don’t need that kind of help anymore. That was specific to that situation. But do you know what IS still happening?! I’m asking my kids to help more often with tasks I know they can handle. Instead of me running around to clean off the dinner table while I’m also trying to cook dinner, they do it. Instead of me trying to put away everyone’s laundry, they help. It’s little things, but even that makes a difference in the way that I feel at the end of the day. It feels good to know that I’m not holding up absolutely everything all the time. I’m also going to try to be less reactionary when someone offers help. Instead of automatically saying that I can do it myself, I’m going to stop and think. I’m going to take a minute to really reflect and decide if I can do it, or if help would make things less stressful for me. I know now that my community was ready to help, just as I would be for them. Next time, I won’t be so quick to dismiss their offers.
I’ve also learned that things don’t have to be done the way I usually do them. It’ s okay if someone else loads the dishwasher. If my kids help put away laundry and they don’t fold the clothes the same way I would, that’s okay. I have to give others space to try out doing a task so that they feel comfortable helping. It’s unrealistic of me to expect them to do it the same exact way I would. If the task is still getting completed, why should I care that they took different steps than I would? This experience gave me the perspective to realize that they won’t learn to offer help if I am always trying to tell them exactly how to do every task. They have to try it their way, and I have to let go of needing to control every task. And honestly, giving up that control feels welcome and freeing.
What Comes Next?
Are you holding everything on your shoulders? Do you feel like everything in your household and family falls to you to keep track of? You do not have to continue juggling everything for everyone. You also don’t have to wait for an emergency to ask for help. In fact, I would highly recommend NOT doing that. You can ask for help. Even asking for help with small things can make a difference. It can show you how it feels to have a little bit of the weight life. It can lead to asking for help with bigger things feel like a more comfortable conversation. You are worthy of receiving help. You are not less than just because you can’t hold everything all by yourself. We teach our kids to ask for help when they need it. Adults need help too, and it’s okay to ask for it! No one knows what you need unless you say it out loud.
If it feels overwhelming to just start asking for help all of a sudden, maybe finding a group of supportive moms will help first! Hearing from other moms about how they took small steps to ask for help can be inspiring and make it feel more realistic. For the month of May I am having a special in my online mom community, This Mom’s Circle. If you sign up during the month of May for either membership you can get your first month for FREE! Come and try it out to see if it is what you are looking for to help you stay accountable and work towards your self-care goals. Follow the links below to find out more and sign up!
Nourish Membership
What’s included:
- Ad-free sanctuary with curated self-care content.
- Expert tips from a certified life coach.
- Monthly group calls, led by a certified life coach, with real moms facing similar challenges.
- A place to be heard and supported, not just to watch.
- $12/month after one month free.
Flourish Membership
What’s included – Everything in Nourish PLUS:
- Monthly 30-minute one on one coaching call with me.
- Custom guidance for YOUR specific obstacles and goals.
- Audio pep talks you can listen to during nap time, commutes, or whenever you need a boost.
- Accountability and focused attention on your individual journey.
- $30/month after one month free
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