Ugh. Boundaries. You know that they are necessary to basically every aspect of your life, but they are HARD to keep (especially when you have a sad kid begging you to buy him the hot wheels car he saw in line at DSW… that may or may not have happened to me this morning). There are so many different routes this blog could take, because boundaries are everywhere, but for today, I’m going to keep most of the conversation on how boundaries relate to self-care and parenting.

The 4 C’s of Boundaries

If you do a simple Google search about how to set boundaries, most articles that come up will talk about the 4 C’s of setting boundaries. All of these are a necessary part of setting and keeping boundaries so that you can feel confident and the boundaries accomplish what you want them to accomplish. Here is a basic outline of what the 4 C’s are:

1. Boundaries need to be CLEAR: Not only do they need to be communicated clearly, but they need to be clearly explained – naming what is expected and what is NOT acceptable.
   • This is a big one when it comes to kids. Letting your child know what your expectation is for any given situation and what is NOT acceptable will play a big role in their understanding of the boundary you set. This can be used in so many situations: playing at the park, not running into the street, what you are going to the store to buy (and what you will NOT be buying…ahem…hot wheels from DSW).
2. Boundaries need to be CONSISTENT: This might be one of the hardest ones for motherhood. It’s easy to tell your kid what the rules are and what you expect of them. It is a whole other story to apply the boundary regularly and in a fair way, especially when you have a toddler throwing a tantrum or a big kid whining over and over again when you actually enforce the boundary you set.
   • One really great source for setting boundaries and being consistent is Big Little Feelings. They are an account on Instagram that really took off during the pandemic. In their blog about How Boundaries Stop Power Struggles and Prevent Meltdowns, they talk about what toddlers are doing when they resist a boundary, saying, “They’re trying to see if that boundary is an actual boundary…or if it has any give. Which is why you MUST resist the urge to give in.” The more consistent you are at maintaining boundaries, the less your kids will fight you on it (eventually) because they know that you are not going to give in to their crying and begging. That doesn’t make it easier to hold the boundary when you’re exhausted, frustrated, or at your wits end – but stay strong, keep that boundary – it will help you and your child in the long run!!
3. Boundaries need to be held in a CONFIDENT way: An important part of holding a boundary is being confident in the boundary that you set and to hold it without hesitation.
   • Once you set a boundary, don’t be afraid to follow through if your child breaks it. Like I said above, stay strong, hold that boundary!
4. When holding a boundary, focus on CONNECTING: Connect to the other person you are holding the boundary with. Be sure that they feel heard and understood while still maintaining the boundary you set.
   • This is another big one when holding boundaries with kids. Obviously they’re probably not going to like the boundary some of the time, and are going to put up a fuss when you enforce it. But holding a boundary can be done in a loving and understanding way, while still being firm. You can hear out your child about what they wish could happen, while letting them know what the boundary is. For instance, “I hear that you’re sad you can’t buy a Hot Wheels car, it’s okay to be sad about that. We’re not buying any toys today. Would you like to put the Hot Wheels car on your birthday list?” 

Now, are you going to do a perfect job at setting and holding boundaries using the 4 C’s every single time. No, probably not. But, if you hold them almost all the time and do your best to communicate them with love and understanding, your kids will come to learn that you are going to follow through. If you don’t hold them most of the time, your kids will learn that all they need to do is cry a little louder or harder and eventually you’ll give in to what they want. They will test you, but you CAN hold strong and keep those boundaries!!

How Boundaries Can Support A Relationship

When I was pregnant with my oldest child, my mom gave me some advice that has stuck with me, and I find myself remembering it often – especially in a moment when I find it hard to hold a boundary with my kids. My mom told me that one of the most important things I could do as a parent is to keep my word to my child. To follow through on what I said I was going to do so that they trust me and so that they know that I will uphold my word. As I looked back on my childhood with my parents, I realized that my parents were very good at this. Not only did they hold boundaries that they had set, but they also followed through on fun things that they said we would do, and that helped me to rely on them and trust them when I needed help or advice. I knew I could turn to them and they would be there for me, because they had always followed through in the past.

Now this is my own personal experience with how setting and holding boundaries has supported my relationship with my parents. Trust is such a large part of a relationship, that if you can start to show your kids that you keep your word while they’re young, they will believe that you’ll keep your word as they get older. I remember when I was a teenager my dad talking to me about drinking. He did not support underage drinking or want me to participate in it if my friends were doing it, but, he did tell me that if I ever did decide to drink at a party to call him first so that he could come and get me. I never decided to drink at a high school party, so I never needed to call him, but it was always a comforting feeling to know that while he might be disappointed, he would still come to help me because – above all – he wanted me to be safe getting home. That sense of trust and support is something that I want to instill in my relationship with my kids and I know it starts now, while they’re young, holding boundaries and following through so my kids know they can trust me.

How Boundaries Play a Role in Self-Care

Setting and holding a boundary for our kids seems obvious, because of course we have to have rules to keep them safe and get from one activity to the next. But how do boundaries work in regards to self-care? Well, let’s start with a question: Do you often give away your free time to something else (*chores*) because you feel it is more important than you getting to do something you enjoy? That is an example of not holding a boundary around self-care. Self-care should be something that you aim to maintain every day, or close to it. It’s not a once-in-a-while thing. One day to yourself at the spa is super nice and relaxing, but it can’t sustain your self-care needs until the next time you can take a trip to the spa. Self-care needs to be maintained every day so that you don’t start to feel burned out. It doesn’t have to be huge, it can simply be reading a book that you enjoy for five minutes right after your kids go to bed so that you can actually stay awake while you read (if I read too late at night, I always fall asleep…because kids).

Holding a boundary around our self-care can be one of the things moms let slide first, and most often. How many times have you thought, “Oh I wanted to read a little bit today, but I should really pick up the toys, wipe down the kitchen counters, and start a load of laundry first.” By the time all of those things are done, you’ve probably thought of three more things you “need” to do before you go to bed, and before you know it, you’re too tired to read so you skip it…again, thinking it’s no big deal. But after days and days of ignoring yourself, you are going to get burned out and feel lost in the day to day tasks of motherhood.

My question to you is: can that list of things wait for just 5 or 10 minutes so that you can get some time for yourself before you finish the chores for the day? Maybe by doing something for yourself FIRST you can refill your cup and not feel so weary about having to do more chores. Maybe it will help you to feel good about yourself and renew some of your self esteem, and little by little you’ll return to yourself again. But first, you have to hold that boundary!!

Reflection:

Now that you have read about how boundaries relate to parenting and self-care in motherhood, try to reflect or even notice the boundaries you hold throughout the day. Celebrate the times that you lovingly held a boundary even when it was hard, or you didn’t think you could! I have created some reflection questions to help think a little bit deeper about how you are currently using boundaries. After you have answered these thoughtfully, if you are interested in diving even deeper with life coaching, reach out through my website and we can work together to find what fits you and your season of life!

Reflection Questions:

1. What is one boundary you confidently set and held today? (It counts even if it was something small!!)
2. Where do you need to do better at holding a boundary?
3. How would it make you feel if you held the boundaries you thought of above more consistently?
4. Think through the 4 C’s with your self-care. Which one do you get stuck on when trying to hold boundaries pertaining to your self-care?

However you are feeling about your motherhood journey is valid and differs from person to person. My goal is to help you find what works best for you and your family in this season of life. If you’re struggling with boundaries and don’t know where to start that’s okay! What works for one mom, might not resonate with another. If this blog resonated with you and you’d like to learn more about working with a coach, you can reach out through the contact form on my website. The first consultation call is always free, with no commitment unless you feel it is a good fit for you. If you’ve been wanting to make a change, maybe now is the time! Do what feels right for you!

*Coaching is not a substitute for therapy. This Mom Matters Coaching does not guarantee any results. I am not a licensed psychologist or specialist healthcare professional. My services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. This is a lifestyle blog and is not meant to be used as medical advice or to help to treat/diagnose any medical or mental health issues.