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Something feels off, but what is it?
Have you ever had the feeling that you’re just going through your day on auto pilot? You wake up and go through the motions every day, and every day it’s the same. Suddenly you realize that every action you take and every decision you make is for the needs or benefits of others, and your brain never turns off. When was the last time you participated in a hobby that was just for you, where you could grow and learn as a person and feel fulfilled in your soul doing something just for your own pure enjoyment? What would you say if someone asked, “What do you do for fun?” Is your answer something to do with your children’s activities or interests?
If a mom goes along on this path for some time, she may realize that she is lost, lonely, and it may be tricky to put her finger on what exactly feels off. She loves her kids and family, isn’t that supposed to bring her all the joy in world? Shouldn’t she be thankful that she has the family she has? Why does she feel like something is missing?
Over time you may start to feel ashamed that you aren’t feeling completely fulfilled by motherhood. Being a mother may have been all that you thought about when you were first married, and imagining what life would be like in the future. Maybe you have always wanted to be a mom, and you love your kids, so why isn’t that enough? Why does it still feel like something is missing?
The Signs Your Soul is Looking For More
Losing yourself in motherhood is so common, but often not addressed or talked about. The signs that you have lost yourself in motherhood look different for each mom. It all depends on your situation and relationship with motherhood, as well as your beliefs about what motherhood should look like.
For some moms, the sign might be that when she introduces herself, she does so in relation to someone else. “I’m Jake’s mom.” or “I’m John’s wife.” This mom may not even realize that she’s doing this, or that she has a hard time thinking about who she is outside of the role of mother or wife. This feeling can happen at any time during motherhood. It’s easy to get sucked in right away, as soon as your baby is born, but it can show up at any time. When you have a toddler and are looking to get out of the house, you find a groups of moms with kids around the same age. When you introduce yourself, you probably refer to yourself as “Ryan’s mom.” This actually just happened to me the other day. Another mom from my son’s preschool came over and said, “I don’t think we’ve ever actually introduced ourselves!” We’ve been chatting at pick up and drop off for months…but we only knew each other as our children’s moms.
While this may be one of the bigger signs that you’re feeling lost in motherhood, there are others as well. If you often feel invisible, if you feel like you’re running on autopilot, if you’ve stopped doing hobbies you enjoy, if you no longer know what your preferences are because you’ve put them aside for so long. Giving of yourself so completely that you don’t even know what you need, let alone ask for help. These are all signs that you’ve lost yourself in motherhood. Granted, the severity of these examples is different for everyone, and you may not feel a connection to all of them. But even if you can relate to one or two, it may be a sign that you have set aside your needs for too long.
It seems so silly, but it happens all the time. All of these things are examples of how moms put themselves last. After some time, you don’t even realize you’re doing it anymore, it becomes second nature. And then one day it hits you, you’ve lost parts of yourself along the way. You miss the person you were before you were a mom. Of course you love your children and your family. You wouldn’t do things differently, you can’t imagine your life without them, but something is missing.
Your FREE Reflection
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The Emotional Reality of Losing Yourself to Motherhood
So what does it feel like after you realize that you have slowly been giving away so much of yourself to being a mom that you don’t see yourself anymore? Slowly, resentment and guilt might take over any hope of taking time for yourself. You start to feel invisible in your own life, present for everyone around you, but not feeling like anyone sees you or your needs. You feel alone, even though you have such a full and beautiful life. It becomes a struggle to ask for the support you need to have some time for yourself. That feeling of guilt, always present in the background, making itself known. In some cases, moms may not even know what they need anymore because it has been so long since they’ve had anything for themselves.
Thoughts that you are not a good mom might start creeping in because of all of these feelings. You might feel like you’re alone in this feeling, so you don’t share it with anyone else. It can feel isolating, and because it’s not talked about much, it feels like you’re the only one living in this kind of reality. Others might judge you if they knew what you were really thinking. You see everyone on social media and they all seem so put together, like their entire lives are full of joy and love at all times because they are a mom and are fulfilling their calling of becoming a mom.
Experiencing all of these thoughts and feeling can be overwhelming and exhausting. Even once a mom realizes that she is in this position, she may have no idea how to get back to a better place. She almost feels a little silly that she feels this way, because shouldn’t she feel fulfilled and joyful that she was blessed to become a mother?
This is where emotions get tricky. One thing to keep in mind is that you can feel two things at once (I remind my kids of this all the time, but sometimes it’s difficult to remember it applies to adults too). You can be joyful and feel grateful for the family that you have, while ALSO feeling alone and unseen because your needs have been pushed aside for too long. It is okay to be feeling both realities, not to mention it’s normal! There are days when I feel totally blessed for my family, while also feeling lost because I haven’t been able to fit in something for myself and my soul is looking for more fulfillment. Feeling both of those things DOES NOT make you a bad mom. It makes you a complex human with completely valid emotions.
Why It’s So Easy to Get Lost
You might be asking yourself, “How did this even happen to me?! I feel like my life is full and busy. I feel love for my family and I wouldn’t change our family for anything.” Let me say, I don’t doubt that you legitimately feel all of those things and that all of those things are true (I felt the same). The truth is, this happens slowly, over time, while also happening in one fell swoop the instant you become a mother.
Think back to that day, the day that your first baby came into your life. Whether you birthed your children, or they came to you in some other way, one day you had no children, and the next day your entire life changed. All of a sudden you were responsible for this very real, very vulnerable life. Even with months of planning, it is a shock to your life and your system. Everything changes. You have so much more to think about and do, in order to take care of this new person that you love with all of your heart. All at once, your needs need to be put second, or maybe even third. It’s easy to ignore what you need because you’re so focused on the needs of this new little joy in your life.
I remember after our second child was born, I had a hard time being motivated to take a shower. I knew I needed one, but I also needed sleep, or to eat more than a snack. I was exhausted and overwhelmed. It was easier to just keep putting it off and/or forget about it completely. Obviously, I found time eventually (and with loving encouragement from my husband when he could see that I needed the break and the comfort a shower can provide) and I found ways to fit a shower in my schedule. But there was a time, even if it was only for a few days, where it became all too easy to put that need of mine aside because I was so caught up in everything I needed to do for everyone else.
Often our society puts out a message of what a “good mom” should look like. We’re taught from a young age that becoming a mother means giving yourself completely to your children, family, and household. There is very little out there telling us that we deserve and NEED to take time for ourselves in order to be the best moms we can be.
Download Your FREE Guided Reflection
If you’re feeling lost, this guided reflection can help bring clarity and start you on your journey back to yourself.
Are You Ready for Your Turning Point?!
What if, after feeling and thinking all of these things, you found that you could share about what you’re feeling, and someone else agreed?! What if you found out that other moms are feeling the exact same way that you are? What if you found out that a lot of what you are feeling is because of the messages you have been internalizing about motherhood “should” look like, even though those messages are totally unrealistic?
Nobody can BE their job. A doctor is not a doctor all the time every day, all day long with no break or reprieve. They get to go out and do things that they enjoy. They get to relax and take a break, read a book, participate in a hobby, take a day off. Why is it that mothers are expected to be a mother, and give herself completely to that role, to lose herself and be consumed by that label?
I do not love my children any less when I decide to take time out of my day to read a book. I do not dislike or regret being a mother just because I want to spend some time each week singing and playing piano for my own enjoyment and growth. I do not love my children any less when I make time to go out to dinner with my girlfriends and miss bedtime. But there was a time I had to have a special reason, like my birthday, and even then I felt tremendous guilt asking that something be for me. I was stuck in the thought that if I didn’t sacrifice every part of myself for my children and family, then that meant I was not a good mom, or that I was lacking.
Recognizing these feelings and needs within yourself, is not a reason to feel lost or to spiral. On the contrary, it is an important step in making a change. It is your sign that your soul is ready for something more so that you can truly enjoy every part of yourself and the complex, beautiful, complicated woman you are. Once you realize you have lost a part of yourself, you can begin the journey to rediscover all that you have to learn about who YOU are. Who is this fiercely loving, loyal woman, and what does she enjoy? What makes her feel fulfilled and whole? What lights her up from the inside and makes her feel that she is worthy of all that she wants to be and do?!
The Next Step
If you can relate to anything that I talked about above, I encourage you to take your next step. If you are ready to feel whole, and journey back to yourself I have tools to help you rediscover what’s been set aside for too long. It might be scary, but I hope that you’ll feel empowered and proud to take the next step for yourself and your own happiness.
Journal Prompt:
If you’d like to dig a little bit deeper about some of the things discussed in this post and how they relate to your life, enter you email below and I will send you a free download of a journal prompt to help you discover more about your feelings on this topic.
Join This Mom’s Circle
If you’re ready for more support, but not ready to commit to coaching and need to take small steps toward making time for yourself, This Mom’s Circle is a great option. This Mom’s Circle is an online community exclusively for moms and centers around their self-care. It is a social media free, judgement free platform where moms come to get advice, guidance, and support for their self-care goals. There are weekly prompts to get you thinking about your self-care, and monthly virtual calls to help connect you to other moms and get your questions answered. Click the button below to find out more about all that is included in This Mom’s Circle!
Schedule a Clarity Conversation
If you’re tired of waiting and putting yourself last, and you’re ready to take a bold, forward step, coaching is a great place to find the support you’ll need. By scheduling a Clarity Conversation with me, you will learn how coaching can provide you with individualized, specific, supportive guidance and advice for you and your life. We will work together to set goals and overcome obstacles so that you can find authentic, realistic ways to add self-care to your day! Click below to schedule a free Clarity Conversation with me to get started!
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