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Real talk: It’s true, you don’t have time for yourself.
Being a mom is a busy, all encompassing, never ending job. You spend your day picking up or dropping off, making lunches/snacks, scheduling doctor/dentist appointments, taking care of sick kids, cleaning, doing laundry, going grocery shopping, making meals, keeping track of calendar logistics, working. Everyone needs you for everything (or so they think) and there is no time left for you. At least not until the end of the night when you’re exhausted and don’t want to think about what you have the energy for.
We’ve spent so much of our time doing everything for everyone else that our automatic response to anything outside of the scope of what is “necessary” has become, “I don’t have time to spend on myself.” The next time that thought crosses your mind, consider this: do you really not have time, or do you just feel that way because your brain is constantly making lists of all the things you “NEED” to do? How many times have you thought, “I don’t have time to…” without actually looking to see if you have time? Has that response simply become just that: an automatic/default response that you give because you’re too overwhelmed to check in with yourself? Or are you afraid of the guilt you’ll feel if you take the time, so instead you push away your needs by using the excuse that you don’t have time?
The Truth About “To-Do” Lists
Can we talk about our “to-do” lists for a minute? We find time for so many things that feel like they are non-negotiable. Of course we have to run car pool, cook dinner, go grocery shopping, do the laundry, vacuum, clean, answer texts and emails, scroll social media to check in with the “news” and the influencers that are showing us their perfect day and giving us generalized advice. Why doesn’t self-care make that list as a non-negotiable? Why isn’t you resetting and checking in with your needs as valued as keeping the house clean, or going grocery shopping?
If you felt more at ease and more seen, wouldn’t some of these non-negotiables not feel so frantic and overwhelming? The truth is, the list of “to-dos” never ends. It will always be there. What is the harm of setting the list down for 10 minutes while you take time to give back to yourself so that you can be more present and fulfilled? After putting ourselves last for long enough, our brain begins to believe that our needs are not important, and it will continue to put them last because it believes we are not worth it.
When we give these subtle messages to our brain that we are not enough, or not worth spending time on, our brain starts to believe it. In that case, “I don’t have time” becomes a defense mechanism against the guilt we ultimately feel when we finally spend time on ourselves. We don’t want to feel the burden of guilt, so we use the excuse that we “don’t have time” and continue to push ourselves to last place. Which leads to us not feeling as though we deserve time for ourselves because it will inevitably lead to feelings of guilt, creating a vicious cycle.
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How I Broke Through the Cycle of Guilt
For a long time after becoming a mom I would feel guilty about spending time on myself for a bunch of differen reasons. I thought I should be creating fun and super involved activities for my kids (like other moms I saw on social media), or I needed to keep my house clean and tidy *just in case* someone stopped over. Who, who was going to just stop over? I have no idea. I also created a narrative in my head that my husband (who works from home) would judge me for sitting down and doing something I enjoyed instead of doing a chore. Because in my mind, he was working all day, so shouldn’t I do the same? Now, this way of thinking was completely made up in my head. I am very fortunate to have a loving husband that would never judge me for that, and at the time, probably would have said that I needed to take time for myself more often than I did.
Eventually I got tired of worrying about what everyone else was doing or thought, and I got worn out and overwhelmed. I was never doing something I liked, that was just for me. So, I set aside the to-dos while my daughter napped, and did something I enjoyed instead. I started with only 10 minutes, because my guilt wasn’t ready to let go completely. However, over time it grew longer as I realized the benefits I was feeling. I started to feel better about myself. My self-talk was much kinder; I wasn’t quick to point out all of my *flaws* (or perceived flaws that came from comparing myself to social media), I found that I didn’t NEED social media every day (or at all), I was more content with my day and how I spent my time. All because I made myself set aside the to-dos, let go of the guilt, and spent time on myself for a short time each day. It felt so rewarding and fulfilling to do something just for me.
Now I still use that time to try new hobbies, or get back to old hobbies from before I became a mom. It changed the way I thought of myself. I’m not “just a mom.” I’m a woman, a person, that has her own needs and interests that are valuable and necessary and worthwhile. I’ve grown and found new hobbies that I have really enjoyed exploring and have been able to share with my kids. It has made me more calm and present when I’m with my kids, and most of all, it has taught me that the to-dos are not an emergency! They can wait. They can be set aside. They can come second, or third, or even last, so that I can come first. The to-dos are not more important than my mindset, self-esteem, and self-worth.
But What Do I Do?!
Okay, you may be at the point where you’re thinking: this all sounds great. I agree, I wish I could do things differently, and that’s great, but where in the world do I start?!
One thing that always confused me about self-care before I went on this journey, was how I was supposed to fit it in when it was so complicated. I didn’t have time or money to go to a spa. How was I supposed to spend time on myself when I only had a few minutes here or there? Here’s the secret I found: self-care doesn’t require a large block of time or money!!! It can be five, 10, 15, or 30 minutes of doing something you enjoy, right at home. It can be as simple as taking deep breaths with your eyes closed while repeating “I love myself just the way I am” over and over for a few minutes. There are so many ways to add self-care to small parts of your day so that you don’t feel so pulled in different directions. It can help reset your day and give you a new perspective!
Knowing WHAT to do with your time is often half the battle. You’re not sure what to do, so you either resort to scrolling endlessly on your phone or just go back to something on your to-do list so that you feel productive. Sure, scrolling on your phone is easy and a mindless habit that sometimes pays off with funny videos. But is it really restful or rejuvenating, or rewarding to your soul? Probably not.
This decision fatigue is why I created The Self-Care Menu. This is a FREE tool that you can use to help you see what you have time for! You can fill out the different sections of the menu and refer to it to see what you have time for in the moment. There is no thinking required, you’ll have done that ahead of time! After downloading the menu, take time to reflect, and make a list of things that you can do in the time frames offered on the menu. Pick things that you already have supplies for within your home and would help to nurture your soul and mindset. The less prep, the better! When you have some time where you’re looking for something to do, or you catch yourself just scrolling on your phone, look at your menu and decide what will fit the best. Do you have 5, 15, or 30 minutes? As time goes on, you might find things to add to it! There is even a spot for what you would do with an entire day. Dream big! You never know, one day you might get an entire day off and you’ll have an idea of what to do!
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