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The Reality of Self-Discovery for Moms
For the last few weeks I’ve been writing about how to find yourself in motherhood. It’s a great notion to take time for yourself and start to break down all of those ingrained ideas about what being a “good mom” should look like. But one thing I haven’t addressed in a ton of detail is how to go about all of that discovery while you’re in the process of raising kids. What comes to mind when you think of self-discovery? Do you think of a wellness retreat that takes place over a weekend and allows you to really go deep inside your thoughts and feelings? Do you think of journaling without interruption for days at a time so that you can really tap into your deep emotions? Do you think of spending time in nature alone, able to reflect on what you need deep down? While those all seem like really amazing ways to go about self-discovery, none of them are realistic when you have kids to drive around to different activities.
Here’s a new way to think of self-discovery:
Self-discovery doesn’t happen in one big sweeping activity or weekend. It happens in the small moments when you realize what lights you up while you’re going about your everyday life.
Your Season of Life Matters
Self-discovery is possible at any stage of motherhood, and will most likely change as your motherhood journey changes. Your season of life can help you on your journey of self-discovery. Think back on your life. You’ve probably rediscovered yourself a few times without realizing it. The person you were in high school discovered new things about herself in college. The person you were in college discovered new things about herself in the workforce. The person you were at the start of your career discovered new things about herself when she got married. Now I know that not every person follows this exact path, so take these as the examples they are, and feel free to substitute them with the steps you took on your path to becoming a mother.
So why is it so hard to discovery this new version of yourself in motherhood? One word. Chaos. Motherhood is chaos. While every season doesn’t last very long, the constant changing of schedules and needs is a lot to keep up with and can leave very little time for yourself. It’s easy to get swept up in the chaos. In this season of life, whether you are newly postpartum, or you have kids in high school, or you’re somewhere in between, you have the opportunity to discover new things about yourself amidst the chaos. It takes reflection and paying attention to how things make you fell. When you start to incorporate those things in your day, you’ll start to discover new things about yourself.
Places to take note:
- Noticing when something sparks interest inside and filing that away as information about who you are. It could be from something you read, something you see in a movie, something from a conversation with a friend. Take note of what lights you up and sparks interest. Is it something new that you want to explore further? Is it a change in thinking that you didn’t realize you made? Acknowledge the change and growth within yourself and honor it.
- Try something new and see how it makes you feel. You could try a new recipe, a podcast, a new genre of books. Does that new thing feel good? Does it spark that light inside of you?
- When you notice a place where you need a new boundary, that is information about your values. Take note and honor that new need as valid to who you are. As we grow, our needs change, and it’s important to honor those needs. Just because you’ve had a certain boundary, it doesn’t mean that boundary can’t change as your needs change and grow. Notice where you are feeling frustrated and place a new boundary to honor your values.
- When you feel a creeping up of resentment about something, don’t dismiss it. Resentment is a sign that you may need new boundaries, or more help. Don’t dismiss these feelings as silly. Sit with it, examine where it comes from. What is that feeling trying to tell you?
- Notice the moments when you are having honest thoughts. What comes to your mind in the shower, at the school pick up line, or in the few minutes you lay in bed before you get up? In those quiet moments you may find yourself being brutally honest. What are those moments of honesty telling you?
- Take time to reflect on how you have been feeling throughout your days. What brought you joy, what drained your energy, what do you wish you had more of? During those times of reflection, take the answers seriously. Don’t simply write them off and ignore them as frivolous or unnecessary. They are important to you, you felt what you felt for a reason.
I want to share a short story of a time that I experienced a small moment of self-discovery while trying something new. A few years ago I found that listening to podcasts was something I really enjoyed. I tried all different types and found ones I really loved. I would listen whenever I could: in the morning when I got ready, while I cooked dinner or did the dishes. Then, last year, I decided I wanted to spend more of my free time reading. I started trying all different types of genres of books and found times during my day to read. Over the past year, I’ve found that I enjoy reading more than I liked listening to podcasts. I didn’t think I had time for reading before (and maybe I didn’t because my kids were younger), but things have changed. My kids got older and more self-sufficient. I realized I had more time to read than I thought I did. Taking that time lit something up inside of me and I discovered a new love for reading that I haven’t had in years. I still enjoy listening to podcasts, but I’ve found another layer to myself that was unlocked by taking time to read. I was able to make these discoveries about myself by trying new things and seeing how I could fit them in during this season of my life. Will it always be this way? No. But I know that I need to keep paying attention to see when I’m ready for a change and a new discovery.
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Stop Waiting For the Perfect Time
If you’re waiting for the perfect time in your life to discover your needs, likes, and dislikes, you’ll be waiting for quite some time. It’s just like when you were thinking of starting a family. There was always a reason why you could’ve waited to have a baby, but at some point you had to just take the leap and do it. Even when the timing wasn’t perfect and you were unsure. It’s the same with taking the time to discover this new version of yourself. If you’re waiting for the perfect window of time; when the kids move out or get older, it’s never going to come. Obviously your kids will grow up and move out, but by then you’ll probably have some other excuse to wait. How much of yourself will get lost in the time you spend waiting for “the perfect time”? Waiting can lead to years of living in survival mode.
I know for myself I got to a point of going through the motions of motherhood. I almost felt like a shell of myself. I didn’t feel like myself because I never took the time to think about how I felt about what I was doing with my days. I thought I didn’t have a choice and just needed to get to bedtime. But when bedtime came, I still didn’t do anything for myself because I was stuck. I didn’t know where to start. Those little moments of noticing are what gradually brought me back to feeling more awake inside of my life. I noticed times for reflection and acted on the feelings I discovered. I started setting boundaries for time I could spend on myself, and I followed through. I tried new things I had been wanting to try. I discovered what I wanted was worthwhile and brought myself back to feeling that light inside. Was everyday perfect and did I always have time? Of course not! I took moments here and there when I could to find what worked. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, small steps count.
You Don’t Have to Be Perfect
Discovering new things about yourself is not a linear path. There will be curves in the road, ups and downs, bumps along the way. All of the journey metaphors you can think of will probably apply. That’s part of the point! Think about how you discovered what you liked in the past. You tried new things. You were courageous and took chances. You may have tried things that others around you weren’t interested in, but you did it anyway because you wanted to try it for yourself! You can do that here too! What are you curious about? What have you been wanting to try? There are no wrong answers here. If you see something interesting that you want to try, do it! Maybe you’ll love it, maybe you won’t, and maybe it will give you a new idea that will lead to something you do love!
Case in point: my journey with crafts. I always want to be crafty, but it doesn’t always work out. I have gone through phases of all different sorts of crafts. I tried handlettering (fancy writing), gem painting, sticker by number, paint by number, plain old coloring. Some of them I really enjoyed, like handlettering. I still sometimes use the skills I learned to make something new. There were others that I liked but not enough to stick with. The gem painting was fun and I liked it. I even did it with my daughter for a little while. But after a while I got tired of the monotony and keeping track of/cleaning up all of the gems in between sessions of working on the picture. I might go back to it at some point, but for now I’ve found that I like painting by number better. It’s still a lot to clean up or take out, but I like the act of painting better than the gem painting. I think the biggest thing I’ve learned about myself is that I like to be crafty…sometimes. It’s not always going to be my go-to activity for my self-care time, and that’s okay. I’m envious of those people who have a natural eye for crafts and making things, and I’ll keep trying, but I’ve discovered that it’s not my preferred activity.
One thing to keep in mind: you don’t have to add a new thing to your to-do list to make these changes. It’s not about completing this in a certain time frame. There is no beginning and end to this process. It’s constantly changing and growing and so are you! It’s about the small moments where you have a chance to reflect and simply take note. Slowly, over time, you’ll have new realizations and lights going off when you make a new discovery about who you have become. Honor those new ideas and take them seriously. They are a part of you.
The Take Away
The big thing to note here is that you don’t have to have it all figured out, and there is no time limit. As I said earlier, it’s not all or nothing. Small steps count here. You can go about this process in whichever way feels authentic to you. Your life doesn’t have to be settled or quiet to discover who you are. You can find the light within you even with all the chaos around you. Here’s something to think about: you cared enough to click on this post and read it. That is step one. You’re already paying attention. You’ve already started on your way to self-discovery. How does it feel?
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