Have you ever made it to the end of the night, the kids are in bed, and you’re ready to relax but all of a sudden you hear a nagging voice in your mind. It was bad enough that all throughout your day, you had a running commentary going in the back of your mind. You know that voice, the one that has been keeping track of everything you didn’t finish, everything that made you lose your cool, everything you forgot, and everything that you could have done better. At the end of the day, the voice doesn’t go away, it might even be louder because of the quiet surrounding you, making it harder to ignore. It doesn’t matter what you say to yourself, or what you do throughout the day, it’s always there. The voice isn’t afraid of making you feel bad or guilty for how you did that day. If anything it seems like that is the goal. It’s bringing up all of your “shortcomings” so that you push yourself harder to do better and try to do even more the next day. That will make the voice go away…right?!
Ask yourself some important questions:
That inner voice is LOUD and seems so powerful. But here are some important questions to ask yourself before just giving in to whatever that voice says.
- Is this inner voice telling you the truth? OR Is the sentiment behind it based in fear of not doing everything right or not being enough?
- Is that really you and how you feel about yourself? OR Is that voice simply a pattern of thinking that you have developed over time based on outside views on what makes a “good mom”?
It is possible to separate yourself from this voice. Recognizing that this inner voice is something that you HAVE and not who you ARE is an important step in quieting all of those negative thoughts. Some people like the name this inner voice. They give it a ridiculous name, so that when it’s many thoughts creep in they can shut them down by telling the voice to back off.
Where did this voice come from?!
These types of thoughts can come from many different sources. Some examples of how it comes to develop are:
- Perfectionism
- People pleasing
- Impossible standards for motherhood
- Comparison culture
- Seeing more and more examples of what a “good mom” looks like on social media
This inner voice that won’t leave, isn’t something that you created on purpose. It was made over many years with small messages from the world around you. You are not weak or a bad mom for having this voice. I would venture to say that every mom feels the same, even if she doesn’t say it out loud. Unfortunately, it has become part of our culture, and most of us don’t even realize how it came to be. Imagine what motherhood would be like if more moms talked out loud about how it feels to have these thoughts. We would have so much more to relate about.
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What is the cost of keeping this inner voice?
So, what happens when you have this voice going in the back of your mind without end? It doesn’t just affect you in the moment, it keeps you stuck in a cycle. These thoughts lead to giving too much, and not resting enough, not to mention chasing a finish line that keeps moving. All of these things lead to a vicious circle. If your inner voice keeps raising the standard for being a “good mom” you will never reach the standard. You will keep finding things that you are not doing enough of, there fore always carrying around the feeling that you are failing. In this way of thinking, you’ll always be measuring yourself and no matter what, you will never “arrive.”
All of this striving and never achieving can take a toll on your emotional well-being. This state of constantly feeling beat down and not enough chips away at your self-esteem and your joy. It slowly makes you live more and more in your mind, which keeps you from being present and enjoying being a mother. It can feel like you are a shell of yourself because you’re only serving that voice in your head and letting it take over. Listening to that voice doesn’t serve you or your family. It shouldn’t be allowed to limit your joy or your self-worth. You deserve better.
Don’t silence the voice, replace it
Now, it might be really tempting to try to just ignore that voice and push it down whenever it makes itself known. However, doing that will never actually get the voice to leave or help your brain find a new way of thinking. Which will mean that you’ll always be stuck in the loop of feeling like you’re not doing enough. Instead, we want to do the real work of replacing the thoughts that aren’t serving you with helpful ones instead. Replacing these negative thoughts takes work, and is a slower process, but it will help to truly change your brain’s way of thinking. So what are the steps to replacing the voice instead of just pushing it down?
What the replacement voice sounds like.
The steps to replacing the voice will take time to become second nature, so it might be helpful to write them down and put them somewhere you can see them until you no longer need to reference them. I also created a free download of some ideas to get you started. You can print them and have them handy for whenever a negative thought that you want to replace comes to mind.
The first step is to notice when you have a thought. After you recognize and acknowledge the thought, question whether or not is is actually true. Once you decide that it is false, you deliberately choose a different, more accurate narrative. this means you will be looking for the proof that you are doing enough, instead of just saying that you are. Here are some examples of how that might look:
- The old voice says, “I lost my patience today, I’m failing them.” The replacement says, “I had a hard moment today and I am also a mother who shows up every single day.”
- The old voice says, “I haven’t done anything for myself in weeks, I’m so behind.” The replacement voice says, “I am learning to prioritize myself and it is a process, not a performance.”
- The old voice says, “Other moms seem to handle this so much better.” The replacement voice says, “I am only seeing their highlight reel and comparing it to my behind the scenes.”
These ways of thinking are so incredibly common. I have had some of my friends say to me before, “Your house is always so clean and you always know just what to say to your kids in a difficult moment.” Whenever someone has said something like this to me, I have always been surprised and have to stop myself from laughing out loud. The first thing I always say is, thank you. But I quickly follow it up with the truth. Of course my house is not always clean (I clean it before they come over). And of course I don’t always say the exact right thing in a difficult moment. I lose my cool, I get frustrated, I forget to take deep breaths so that I respond the way that I know is best. While I don’t always say the right thing, I try my best to repair with my kids. That is the thing that I try to remind myself of when I have a difficult moment. I remind myself that I am human, I am allowed to get frustrated, AND I will always be sure to repair so that my children know that I am trying my best. And of course I have an inner voice that likes to point out all of my “flaws.” I try really hard not to give in to believing what it says and I do the work of replacing those negative thoughts with a more accurate narrative, but it takes work.
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The importance of patience.
So you’ve decided that you want to change the sound of that negative voice in your mind. Now all you have to do is say a positive statement once in a while, right?! Um… not quite. Think about how long it took that voice in your mind to develop all of those negative thoughts. Your inner critic developed over years, replacing it will take consistent, and compassionate practice. Recognizing that some days your new voice will feel true and believable and other days it will feel like you’re making up lies to tell yourself. Working through both of those types of days is part of the process. You are not failing just because some days are not full of positive thoughts. It is part of the process of rewiring your brain. The important thing is to give yourself grace and continue on through the difficult thoughts. Only then will your brain rewire and learn a new way of thinking. Repetition is how new neural pathways are built in your brain. Don’t give up or give in to frustration. Stick with it, and over time you will hear a difference in your self-talk and that inner voice that has tried to keep you down for so long.
You are doing hard work.
While you’re making your way through this journey of rewiring your brain, give yourself grace. It is going to be hard, because it is hard work that takes determination, not because you are not capable of achieving the change you desire. You have already recognized that you don’t like the way things are going and you recognize that something needs to change. That is the first step and often the hardest step to take. You have probably been aware of that negative inner voice for quite some time and the fact that you are questioning its validity is very important. You have already put yourself in a new position by paying attention to those feelings and realizations. This is just the beginning, and you should feel proud.
Affirmation Cards
Below you will find a FREE pdf download that contains positive thoughts to replace that negative voice. On each card you’ll find a negative thought from your inner voice along with a few alternative positive thoughts to replace it with. Over time you may develop your own versions to fit your specific situation. Feel free to change these phrases to fit you and your circumstances. These are simply a starting point.
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