Does this sound familiar? As you go through your day, you see messages about what motherhood should look like, what a good mother does for her kids on a daily basis. What does this mom do? Is she concerned with educational activities or doing all of the chores for the house before nap time ends, or the kids arrive home from school? Does she always look put together and spend all of her time going above and beyond for her family and their needs? Does she always put herself last because her needs are not as important as what everyone else in her home needs, and she has too much to do before she can get to herself? Moms who go through their days this way always have the best intentions for doing so. They want to give their children magical and loving childhoods that include a safe and supportive home with parents who are present for their kids. They do all of this from a place of unconditional love. And while these intentions are always coming from the best possible place, one thing often goes overlooked. Herself.
When you show up this intensely with little to no recharge, it leads to burnout and sets an example for your kids you may not even realize. This much selflessness leads to a mother who slowly fades away beneath the load she carries on her shoulders. These moms often feel overwhelmed and frantic day in and day out. All of their actions come from a place of love and wanting to be the best mom that they can for their kids. But those feelings of being overwhelmed and frantic shouldn’t be the default. There is a better way to show up for your kids and set an example for their futures that proves that moms (and adults in general) have their own needs that should be honored.
Kids are always watching
We’ve all heard the saying that kids are always watching. They pick up on everything: your mood, your tone of voice. Their little ears are always listening, even when you think they’re not. So if they are absorbing everything we put out, shouldn’t we be teaching them about slowing down and taking time when it is needed? They are not just listening, they are watching how we live our lives. What kind of example are we setting for them on a daily basis? What could your kids learn about their needs and the needs of others by seeing you prioritize your self-care?
If your kids seem too young to really understand what self-care means, that’s okay. They are still watching and listening. They are listening to how you talk about/to yourself in difficult and happy times! What kind of inner voice are you letting out for their ears to hear? Your outer voice often becomes part of your kids’ inner voices. How do you want them to speak to themselves? It’s easy to be hard on ourselves and to feel frustration when we don’t meet our own expectations. But, showing ourselves grace and demonstrating how to speak to ourselves kindly will influence the inner voice your children one day use with themselves.
Showing yourself respect will teach your daughters and sons that women are allowed to have needs, and that those needs are valued and should be honored. The same goes for setting boundaries around your self-care. Upholding boundaries that are in place so that you can follow through with self-care is very important to model for your kids. It will teach them what healthy limits look and sound like. This will shape the way that they set their own boundaries in the future. You are modeling standing up for yourself and your needs and not being walked over by those around you. This is a form of confidence that is an important model for kids to see at all ages. It teaches them that everyone’s voices are worth of being heard and acknowledged. Following through with your self-care boundaries not only teaches them how to set their own boundaries, but how to honor the boundaries of others.
Think about how great it feels to watch your kids pursue something that they truly love to do. Now imagine yourself pursuing something that is meaningful to you and lights you up. That will plant the seed for your children that adults have dreams that are worth chasing and that it is never too late to care about who you are and what matters to you. By trying something new or honing a skill, you’ll show them that you can keep learning throughout life to make your life meaningful in many different ways. This example will teach them they can always try something new, and that it’s never too late to learn or do something for yourself. When they become adults, they will remember back to when you used to take classes, or did an activity for yourself because you loved it and wanted to further your abilities. They’ll know that it is is a possibility for them to follow in that path and continue to keep joy in their lives, even in adulthood.
On the other hand, showing them that slowing down and resting is not “being lazy” but that sometimes taking time for yourself is necessary. You’ll teach them that they don’t need to feel guilty when they recognize that their body needs a rest and they honor that. Resting is part of taking care of our bodies. It can come in many different forms, and it’s important to be able to recognize when your body is overwhelmed and needs time to recharge.
Children learn so much from our actions, even more than they learn from our words. Even if you don’t sit down and have a conversation about all of these things with them, if self-care is a part of your routine, your kids will pick up on it. Wouldn’t it be amazing to know that you had a hand in them being kind to themselves when they became adults? Wouldn’t it be powerful to imagine your child feeling empowered to stand up for their needs because they saw you do the same? This type of example is something that we don’t often think about when we imagine how we are going to influence our children. In a large way, it is a very important part of the parenting puzzle. Promoting positive self-care, self-respect, a kind inner voice, and holding strong boundaries are all things that kids will benefit from as they grow. And you could be the person that shows them what that looks like.
What it means to be emotionally present instead of depleted.
How many times have you thought, “I don’t think I’m going to make it to bedtime.” It’s a common thought that all moms have. Most moms probably have that exact thought multiple times a week. Feeling depleted seems to be the baseline for a lot of moms. That feeling of being empty at the end of the day is not a character flaw, it’s what happens when you give without ever replenishing. Giving to yourself and your energy allows more presence, patience, joy, and connection to be present in your day. Nourishing yourself and your goals plays an important role in how ready you are to show up for your kids and family. Taking time for yourself during you day will allow you more to give at the dinner table, during bedtime routines, and hard conversations (which of course always seem to come at bedtime). Having this energy available doesn’t mean one mom is a better person than another, it simply means she has something left to give, instead of feeling empty and at her wits end.
Now, let’s address the elephant in the room. Most moms feel that any time spent on themselves is selfish. (I have a blog all about this. Check it out here: When Self-Care Feels Selfish) Taking time for yourself, your identity, your interests, or your joy does not take anything away from your kids. Feeding into your needs does the opposite. The more confident you are in yourself as a person, being attuned to your wants and interests, will only make you a more grounded presence in your parenting. You’ll have more to give because you won’t feel empty or lost. You’ll feel secure and aligned. You’ll bring more joy to motherhood because you’ll feel more joy in yourself. Finding yourself is not in competition with your love for your children. Being secure in yourself is instead what makes your love sustainable for the years to come.
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What does this really look like?
Okay, let’s get realistic with how this will look in your day to day life. Let’s look at a normal day, with all of the busyness that goes along with having kids. You know you have to get the kids ready for school in the morning, so maybe you wake up 20 minutes early so that you can have time to center your mind for the day ahead. Now, in all reality, this can be tricky. Waking up earlier takes a lot of discipline, especially if you stay up later to unwind at the end of a long day of being a mom. So you might think about doing this gradually, and eventually work up to 20 minutes if that seems like too big of a stretch to start. You know that the morning is probably going to be hectic, so prepare yourself for it. Get your mind in a place of optimism and give grace to everyone as the day starts.
Maybe after the kids go to school you have to go to work. Listen to a favorite song/artist or a podcast that is just for you. Make the commute a time to look forward to, instead of worrying about traffic or what is to come at work. If you stay home, can you do something for yourself to recover from the overwhelm of the morning before jumping right into your to-do list? What small hobby could you participate in to help yourself feel full? The point here is to notice when your body needs to recharge and recover. What can you give to yourself so that you have energy for what is to come? Your to-do list is not an emergency. It will still be there in 10 minutes. So why not put it down so that your nervous system can get a break? This is not about grand gestures, it’s about finding time in the ordinary. It is about making small consistent choices throughout your day so that you remain a person inside of the role of being a mother.
What difference does it make?
You might be thinking, “What difference will this really make in my kids’ lives? There’s no way they are internalizing so many things about my behavior. They never listen to me, why would they be paying attention to how I talk to myself?” Those are legitimate thoughts. In an answer to those questions, I implore you to think back to your upbringing with your mother. How did she communicate with you and how did she talk to herself? What type of example did she set? Are you trying to emulate her, or are you actively working to break the cycle you learned from her?
Imagine your kids years from now when they are adults. What would you hope they look back on and remember about how you talk to yourself and to them about rest and self-care? This is not meant to scare you, or make you feel like you are setting a bad example. It is to help you add meaning to the choices you make for yourself. If you feel selfish taking time out of your day for yourself, maybe thinking about how your kids will benefit will help you give yourself the permission you deserve. Think of self-care as another way you are serving your kids and the people that they will become down the line.
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How self-care led to patience.
There was a time not that long ago that I realized I was snapping at my kids. I was easily annoyed by them wanting to play with me at every turn, and I felt like I didn’t get a break unless it was their rest time. Now, during rest time I was exercising and burning stress, so I was giving myself what I needed physically. However, I realized that I was too “on call” for my kids. They expected me to play with them at every moment, and my brain could not take all of the make-believe and constant playing. This was around the time that I realized I wanted to think about other topics than just the ones that my kids were interested in. I wanted something to talk about to my friends and my husband that wasn’t a kid topic.
I wanted to read. I wanted stories that were interesting to me and what I liked. So I started to read while I ate my breakfast, while I ate lunch, and after my kids went to bed. All those times were times that I felt comfortable with doing something for me. As time went on, I found that I needed to set a boundary around playing with my kids. Of course I still wanted to spend time with them and play with them, but I could not do it every minute of the day. My brain needed more stimulation. At this time, my kids were a little older and I knew they were capable of independent play, but had simply gotten used to me being at ther beck and call. It was a rut that we had settled into without me realizing it.
So I held the boundary around my reading times. I realized that holding that boundary led to my snipping and shortness with my kids subsiding. I had other things to think about throughout my day that were for me. The books challenged the way I thought and they allowed my brain to take a break from kid content. It brought patience and more JOY to my time with my kids because it no longer felt never ending. I cherished the time with them more, appreciated the time that I played with them instead of dreading it. I also taught my kids that taking time to read a book you enjoy is a great way to spend your free time, and that listening to when your body needs quiet and rest is important. Now I see my kids doing that by themselves when they need it. They are seven and four, but they will sometimes decide that they are ready for time for themself and go somewhere quiet to read or look at a book. It makes me happy to see them make those choices, because I know that it came from an example that I set and is teaching them to listen to their body.
What you do for yourself matters.
So many moms feel like their self-care is selfish, or not really necessary. But too many moms are living in a state of burn out and overwhelm. That could all change with taking time for themselves each day so that they can better show up for their loved ones. Taking time for your self-care doesn’t take time and love away from your kids. On the contrary, it is one of the most loving things you will ever do for them. Every time you take time for yourself, you are setting a positive example, you are restoring your energy, and you are giving back to yourself after giving to everyone else all day. It is time to give yourself permission instead of holding yourself back. You deserve and are worthy of taking time for yourself each day so that you can stop feeling overwhelmed and start showing up as the best version of you.
Your Next Steps
If you’re wondering how all of this applies to you and your life, I’ve got a tool to help you! I created a quiz that can help you determine how fulfilled you are and how that is affecting your family. After taking the quiz and getting your result, I have tools to help you take the next steps that are right for where you are. Stop wondering how to get started, and let me help you answer some tricky questions. I’m here to support you and guide you so that you can take the next steps to lead you to being happier and more present in motherhood.
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