One of the biggest things I hear from moms about their self-care (besides not having time) is that they don’t know what to do when they have a few minutes to themselves. Back in January of this year I ran a self-care workshop for moms at my church. My goal was to talk with moms in person about their self-care and how to make it more realistic for their every day lives. In the first meeting we had a great discussion about motherhood and where we learned how to be a mother. We talked about what society teaches young girls about motherhood and what we saw from our own mothers. I challenged the moms to question whether or not they agreed with all of the examples they have been shown of motherhood throughout their lives. One major thing that we learned is that motherhood feels different for everyone. Just as each person is unique, so is each mothering journey. What matters to one mom, may not matter to another.
After our first meeting I was creating the resources that we would use in week 2. I knew week two was going to be the biggest week for our discussion. I planned for it to be centered around self-care and making it an attainable goal for every day, not just a once-in-awhile thing. I wanted the moms I was talking with to feel seen and walk away with a tool that would actually be useful. Most times self-care is presented as something that a mom fits into her busy schedule when she already feels burnt out and overwhelmed. I wanted to change that.
You Deserve Self-Care Everyday
As I thought about what resources I wanted to provide for week two, I started to think about how self-care is approached in our society. I thought about the messages that moms often get about what self-care is, what it means, and how to make time for it. In many cases it is touted as what to do when things get to be too much and you are burnt out. But I didn’t think that approaching it that way was helpful. You shouldn’t have to wait. Self-care shouldn’t be something that you resort to when things have built up so far that you’re almost at a breaking point. You shouldn’t need to feel at your wits end to finally make time for yourself. You deserve time for yourself every day. The idea that moms deserve to feel worthy of making time for themselves every day is what led me on this life coach journey in the first place. Once I felt what it’s like to experience time for myself that gives back to my energy and light, I knew I wanted to share it with others. We work so hard for everyone else, we deserve time for ourselves.
The biggest realization that I came to on my own journey, is that self-care time does not have to mean hours away from your house in a silent atmosphere. It can be felt and honored in a spare five minutes before you have to leave to pick up the kids from school. Your self-care can fit into your every day life. The challenge is deciding what you have time for, and not resorting to scrolling on your phone in order to fill the time. Now I’m not saying that scrolling social media can’t be self-care. Sometimes checking out and seeing the videos of the accounts you follow is what you want to do. But it should be a choice, it shouldn’t be the default because you are simply at a loss of what else you could be doing with your time.
After talking to the moms in week one, I knew that time was an issue for those moms (as it is for most moms). We tend to go right to big ticket items that we think will help to refill our depleted energy, instead of thinking on a smaller, more realistic scale. We jump right to massages, nail appointments, or shopping, etc, because they’re fun! Of course they are! But they are not realistic on a daily or weekly basis for a lot of moms. They’re also expensive and take a lot of extra effort to plan for childcare or scheduling. What about in those moments when moms have time right after the kids go to bed, or before they wake up in the morning? That’s where the self-care menu comes in.
Get Out of Your Rut
I realized while talking to the moms in my workshop that it is easy to get stuck in a rut. We schedule our days around school and activities and making dinner. That means most days are probably the same and consist of running from one place to another. It doesn’t leave a lot of room for free time or random quiet that’s all ours. I needed to find a way to help moms break out of the rut they get into when getting through the day. Why do you think so many people just pick up their phone and scroll? It doesn’t require any thinking or planning. You don’t have to bring anything extra along because you always have your phone. Even if that’s not what you really want to do, you reach for it anyway. Because a lot of the time thinking of what to do and then actually starting it takes up all the time that you have to yourself, so what’s the point? Imagine having something on your fridge or in your purse that already has all your choices thought out?
The Self-Care Menu
So many times moms have said they don’t know what to do when they have free time. They are frozen with decision fatigue. You’ve spent your whole day deciding things for everyone else that you just can’t take one more choice, even if it’s something for you. So I decided to make the self care menu. It’s a simple print out that has different time categories that you can fill with activities. Then, when you have time that you’re not sure how to fill, you can look at your list and easily see what you can accomplish with the time you have. You can easily add things when you think of something new, or take things away when they’re no longer of interest to you. It can even be catered to different situations, like vacation. You can easily make a specific vacation version that gives you all of the choices for self-care wherever you are.
Back in January when we met for our second week, the moms and I made a giant list of possible self-care activities. They consisted of all different types of activities and all required different amounts of time and materials. After we made a big list, I handed out the self-care menu handout. I asked the moms to reflect on the list we made and think about what would fill them up. What would help to restore their energy and make them feel nourished and at ease? They filled out their menus and I challenged them to try to fit in just one thing from their list in the coming week.
How the Self-Care Menu Changes Things
At our next meeting, I asked the moms how it went incorporating their self-care menu. One mom said that she decided to carry hers in her purse because she had to do a lot of carpooling for her kids’ activities. She said it was so helpful that she asked for more copies. Not only was she going to have her kids each fill one out with things that they could do that didn’t involve screens, she wanted one to post on her fridge so that she could have easy viewing of it. The self-care menu can be a tool for any mom at any stage of life. It allows you to take the thinking out of the equation and get right to doing something for yourself. You don’t have to schedule extra time, find a babysitter, or try to remember the idea that you had the other day. You can simply look at the list and pick what feels right in that moment. It can be freeing to already have ideas on hand. The self-care menu takes away the all-too-familiar feeling of being stuck and worried that you’re going to waste your time trying to think about what to do. How will you use the self-care menu?
Get Your Free Self-Care Menu
Sign up below and get the self-care menu right to your inbox. After you download it, take some time to reflect and add some activities to each category. Remember that the only answers that matter are yours. It doesn’t matter what another mom says self-care can be, that is entirely up to you and your feelings about what feels replenishing for you. As time goes on, don’t be afraid to change up the lists! You may find new interests, you might really find you don’t like one of things you thought you would love. Make the list yours, make it fit your season. You deserve time for yourself everyday, I hope the self-care menu will help with that.
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