How to Stop Introducing Yourself As “Just a Mom”

Before I had kids I was an elementary school music teacher. I loved my job and I loved my students. After my daughter was born my husband and I decided that we had the means for me to stay home with her. It’s what I wanted to do because I wanted to be there for her early years before she started school. I always imagined that I would stay at home when I thought about what it would be like to be a mom. I recognize that everyone has different wishes and circumstances, and this is not about saying that the way I did it was the “right” way. I think everyone needs to make the best choices for them and their family, and for some mothers that means returning to work. To which I say, go for it, do what is best for you and those you love. Every type of motherhood (stay-at-home or working) has its pros and cons. Neither makes a mother better or worse. All moms are doing the best they can.

I enjoyed staying home with my daughter and watching her grow. When my son was born I was happy to be home with both of them and to watch them grow. It gave my schedule the ability to be flexible if we needed it. I was happy to have put my career on hold so that I could be at home with them and I’m glad I made the choices I did. But as I’ve mentioned before, it was easy to lose my sense of self to motherhood.

Before kids, if anyone asked what I did for a living I was excited to tell them about being a music teacher. It was such a creative and fulfilling career that I had for quite some time before my kids were born. After I had my kids I never knew how to answer that question. Obviously I was a stay-at-home mom, but I imagined people looking down on that for some reason. So when asked I would say, “Oh, I’m just a mom.” Sometimes I would qualify it with the fact that I used to teach elementary school, as if to prove that I knew how to do something more productive. But for some reason I always had the instinct to downplay all that I did as a mother instead of saying it confidently and owning the fact that I had chosen this path for myself. I thought people would look down on me and judge me for not having a career, or for not using the degree that I worked so hard to obtain. But do you know what happened instead? I started to look down on myself. I started to believe what I imagined other people were thinking. I began to believe that being “just” a mom was less than, instead of the powerful and meaningful job that it is.

The Word That Changes Everything

Think about these two phrases: “I’m just a mom” vs. “I’m a mom.” The word just is a minimizer. It signals that whatever follows it is less than, not quite enough, or something that requires an apology. When I was a teacher, I never had the instinct to say, “I’m just a teacher.” So why, when I became a mom, did I feel like I needed to downgrade my hard work in this new role? The really wild thing is that being a mom is more work than being a teacher ever was. It is demanding every day, all day long. I thought that I had a lot to think about as a teacher, a lot to plan and handle (I mean I had to do six performances a year plus a talent show, it was a lot). But the amount of decisions that I had to make as a mother far outweigh the number of decisions I had to make as a teacher. That is due mainly to the fact that as a parent the decisions never end. At least as a teacher I had a chance to go home and think about something else. As a mom I never have the luxury of turning off my brain and totally letting go of all the decisions that go into each day. Why did I have the reflex to make being a mother less than anything else? I’m literally raising the next generation, trying to help them become kind, caring, smart, helpful, brave, informed, and loving people. That is no easy feat. It does not deserve to be minimized. There is nothing about being a stay-at-home mom that requires an apology.

Why Moms Minimize Motherhood

There are many reasons that contribute to moms feeling as thought they have to minimize the role that they inhabit. Many of them have to do with how motherhood is viewed in society or how a mother’s personal identity shifts when she becomes a mom. None of them are the mother’s fault, or make her a bad mom for letting them affect her. They are simply a fact of life and how our brain processes what has been taught to us for our entire lives. They are not reasons to feel shame, but reasons to rethink how we actually feel about our role as mother, and to feel the pride that rightly goes along with such a monumental job. As you read through the examples I give, think about how each play a role in your life and how you view your role as a mother.

• Money. I know for me, one thing that I really grappled with when I first became a mom was that I was no longer contributing financially to our household. My husband and I had looked at our finances before I decided to stay home and we made the decision that we would be okay with one income, and we were. But I still felt guilty for not contributing. Especially in the moments where having two incomes would have made things more comfortable. But early on, we had decided that the benefits our children would receive from having me stay home with them was worth it. And ultimately, I wouldn’t change our decision. However, there is a social and cultural message that not being able to contribute financially is looked down upon. People feel like because moms are not being paid, they are not being productive. (I’m not going to get into the hypocrisy of many of those same people thinking that working mothers are doing the wrong thing because they are not home with their children. I could rant about the absurdity of those two opposing ideas and the no-win situation it places mothers in, that’s for another day).
• The Comparison. I’ve talked before about comparison with other moms. In this case, we don’t just compare ourselves to other moms, but also to anyone who works or has some kind of title. It can feel like you don’t “measure up” to their success because what you do is not measurable. There are no awards, no external achievements, no raises or promotions in motherhood. Yes, those are all external things, but when everyone else is achieving them in their line of work and you are not, it can make you feel less than. Moms do a lot with little to no recognition. Comparing what you do to someone who is recognized for their efforts in their line of work is not fair to you. But letting go of that comparison can be difficult. This is especially true if you used to be in a career that acknowledged you and rewarded you for your work. Many moms (myself included) give up a career to stay at home with their kids for the early years of childhood. Going from having a career and being recognized for your hard work, to working even more and not receiving enough recognition, can make it feel like you’ve been downgraded in some way. But the truth is, what you do as a mom is immeasurable. You give of yourself everyday, all day, all night. There is no other career that requires such dedication and commitment. Sure other jobs are demanding and require a lot of effort and time, but even those jobs have vacation days and time off. As a mom, you have to work hard to even make a “day off” happen. Don’t discount all that you do simply because it’s different from other jobs.
• Anyone Can Do It. It’s easy to think that motherhood is ordinary or unexceptional. It’s something anyone can do, right?! Well, yes, technically there are a lot of people in the world that can be a mom because of the way biology works. But not everyone chooses that path, or unfortunately some are unable to travel that path no matter how much they desire it. Being a mother is special and extraordinary. Doing it well and reaping the rewards of it is not an easy feat. Think about all that it takes to carry and birth a child. No one except other mothers can understand the amount of inner turmoil and change that goes along with carrying a child and giving birth. It changes you biologically, mentally, and emotionally. Not just anyone can do it. Not just anyone can be a mom who loves her kids unconditionally and gives up parts of herself to do what they need. You were given the children in your life for a reason. You are the perfect mother to raise them. Whether you carried them or someone else did, ultimately doesn’t matter. It matters that you love them and do all that you can to help shape them into the people they will grow to be. Not just anyone can do that.

What Are You Saying With “Just”?

After thinking about all that we do and give for our children, why do we throw “just” in front of “mom”? Why don’t we own it and all of the struggle and challenge that goes along with it? What are we communicating to ourselves by using a word that minimizes all that we do on a daily basis? It’s unlikely that we are being modest. It is more likely that we are communicating to ourselves and others what we truly feel about our own value as a person. You may use the word “just” because you are feeling unfulfilled in your personal goals and wish that you could find time to do more for yourself. Your identity may feel incomplete or insufficient in some way. Maybe you’re waiting for something more to add to your view of yourself. You are not alone in feeling this way. Many moms feel that something is missing, that being a mom is wonderful and rewarding, but they are still searching for something that is more for them. If you would like to do more digging into what you are looking for, check out my blog about self-discovery.

What Are You Leaving Out?

I want you to do some reflection here. What are the parts of yourself you are leaving out when you introduce yourself as “just a mom”? Think about who you are as a person. You have values, interests, skills, experiences, and perspectives that existed BEFORE you became a mom and all of those things still exist even now. Saying you are “just a mom” is inaccurate. True, you are a mom, but you are so much more. Before I was a mom, I was a musician. My skills and love of music did not just disappear when I became a mom. They are still there, they are still a big part of who I am and what brings me joy. What else brings you joy besides motherhood? What else could you add to your introduction of yourself the next time someone asks?

• “I am a mom and…”
• “I am a mom who loves to…”
• “I am a mom but I also like to…”

What It Feels Like to Drop the “Just”

So what would it feel like to drop “just” when you introduce yourself? Would it feel more empowering to confidently say, “I’m a mom”? You don’t have to make a big declaration or announcement. You don’t even have to add anything else. Saying that you are a mom is enough, but if you want to add more like discussed above, you can! Removing that one word of “just” can change how you see yourself and how you portray yourself to others. It isn’t about what they think about what you do, it’s about how you feel when you share the joy you have for being a mother. The more you practice dropping the “just”, a new belief about your own worth will be uncovered. This change will compound over time and start to drift into other parts of your life.

Beyond just an introduction, feeling this confidence about what you do can change the way you carry yourself. Many women and mothers find themselves minimizing themselves. We try not to take up too much space, we shrink into the background. That is where using “just” may come from in the first place. Being afraid to stand tall and own who we are. Imagine no longer minimizing yourself in other aspects of your life. Standing up for your opinions, your needs, your time, your dreams! You deserve to take up space and your needs and time deserve to be taken seriously.

Being confident and no longer minimizing what you do or what you need, won’t magically make you a brand new person. It won’t make you have all the answers, or have it all together all the time. Instead, it will mean you are yourself with the confidence to take up the space you have always deserved. Imagine yourself that way. What is different about you? How do you talk about yourself, or to yourself? What kind of example do you set for your children when you stop minimizing and start loving yourself with confidence? This is in reach. Every mom, every person, deserves to stand tall and stop apologizing for what they do and who they are. You are worthy of self-respect and confidence.

Your Next Steps

So how do you start on this path? You don’t need to completely think through all of the self-reflection and have answers about what makes you yourself in order to start. All you have to do is answer “I’m a mom” the next time someone asks you what you do. Try it on with confidence and own it. Don’t minimize it, don’t put yourself down or think less of yourself. What you do is important, worthwhile, and deserving of respect from yourself and those around you.

When I stopped saying “just” when people asked what I did for aliving, do you know what happened? After saying, “I’m a stay at home mom” most people will answer me by saying something like, “That’s the hardest job of all.” Sometimes they are moms, sometimes they aren’t. But when I say it confidently and with pride, others validate that what I do is hard and worthwhile. Obviously, this is not all about external validation. But sometimes having a small bit of external validation can help you feel more confident the next time someone asks. It may boost you up to continue leaving out the “just.” Over time it will become a vicious circle (in a good way). You’ll say it confidently and people will validate, so the next time you’ll say it with even more confidence and so on. The first step starts with you believing in yourself enough to leave out the “just.” If you feel like you don’t have enough confidence yet, you might have to fake it the first few times. But eventually the confidence will come. The “just” doesn’t deserve to be there. You do so much more than “just” suggests. Own it.

For the rest of May you can receive a FREE month to my online community. As long as you sign up before June 1, you will get an entire month for free for either membership. Joining our community is a great way to start feeling more confident in taking up more space and honoring your needs on a daily basis. You can find more details below about what is included in each membership.

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What’s included:

• Ad-free sanctuary with curated self-care content.
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What’s included – Everything in Nourish PLUS:

• Monthly 30-minute one on one coaching call with me.
• Custom guidance for YOUR specific obstacles and goals.
• Audio pep talks you can listen to during nap time, commutes, or whenever you need a boost.
• Accountability and focused attention on your individual journey.
• $30/month after one month free