Next week marks the start of summer vacation for my kids. I have a week and a half left of my normal schedule before everything changes and they’re around all day. As a mom, I’m looking forward to not having to pack lunches and snacks, taking the mornings slow, and having lots of outings and fun with my kiddos. At the same time, I’m not looking forward to having to redo my schedule so that I can figure out where MY time can still exist. I’ve worked hard over this past school year to find pockets of time that are mine, where I can do something for myself without interruption. I don’t want to lose all of the progress I’ve made, so I’ve already been thinking about how to shift my schedule to accommodate my kids being home without losing the time I have made for myself.
It might not look exactly the same, but I don’t have to completely give my time away. Yes, I’m looking forward to having my kids home and doing fun summer things, and at the same time I’m dreading the change to my schedule because it’s been working. I’ve been feeling good about making time for myself, and I want to continue to honor that. My patience has been better, I been feeling more energetic, and I can tell when I’m with my kids I’m more present. All because I’ve been doing things that feed my soul throughout the week. It might take some trial and error to find what will work for the summer, so I’m trying to go in with an open mind.
The Summer Identity Shift
During the school year, we have a set schedule. We know exactly when our kids will be in or out of school. We know exactly what blocks of the day can be just for us, and which need to be for others. In the summer, all of that stops. All of the routines that have grounded you during the school year no longer work in the summer. There is no specific time to be out the door, no after school activities, there is a lot more open time that is not accounted for. The summer is a time where it is very easy to slip back into not seeing yourself because you are so consumed by the time you give to everyone else. Usually the start of summer is fun and exciting and full of possibilities, but by the middle of July it’s easy to get worn down and overstimulated by having constant company and not getting enough time for yourself.
The changes in schedule can make it seem impossible to uphold all of the work you’ve done to make time for yourself. When your kids are in school you have natural windows of time that are just for you. When summer begins, those windows disappear. It’s natural to be overwhelmed about how to make that time happen during the summer. I’m here to tell you, all that you are feeling is normal. It is okay to feel sadness about losing out on your regular schedule. Feeling a sense of uncertainty about your time for yourself does not mean that you love your kids less or don’t want them home for the summer. That sense of loss comes from the fact that you have been working hard to get past guilt and prioritize yourself and you don’t want to give that up again. It is genuinely harder to find time for yourself in the summer. It’s just how it is, but it does not mean that finding time is impossible. There are ways to make it happen. It won’t work to try to keep your same schedule, so let’s think about ways that we can work around everyone being home!
Let the Guilt Go
There may be a part of you that feels like taking time for yourself when the kids are home is worse than taking the time while they are in school. Your inner voice might get louder at this time and try to convince you that you don’t deserve time for yourself because your kids are home and need all of your attention. And if you aren’t giving them all of your attention all the time you’re not a good mom, right?! Wrong. You are still a good mom (read: better mom) when you take time for yourself when your kids are home. (Check out my post about How Kids Benefit from your self-care).
It is easy for us to let those old ideas of what a “good mom” should be sink back into our minds in the summer. That idea that we have to give all of oursevles because our kids are home is probably at the front of our mind. We don’t want them to feel like we’re ignoring them or that we are missing out on valuable time with them. However, I want you to think about it in a different way. Your need for time and space to yourself does not change or become less valid simply because your kids are home more in the summer. In fact, I would argue the opposite. The intensity of being together all day means that everyone, including you (or especially you), deserve time to restore their inner energy. In a time when kids are home more often, your energy/patience is going to drain faster, which means you still need to give yourself time to replenish and refuel throughout your days and weeks.
Redefining What Time to Yourself Looks Like
Let’s point out the obvious for a minute. You won’t be able to keep your exact same schedule for your alone time that you had during the school year. You might be thinking: duh!! But look, sometimes just hearing someone point that out can give you permission to change your idea of what your alone time will look like. There is probably a part of your brain that is struggling with the idea that you will have to come up with an entirely new way to fit in time for yourself. If you are overwhelmed at that thought, I’ve got you. Also, you might not have to change as much as you think.
The great thing about summer is that it lends itself to being flexible and easy going (hopefully). As a reminder, you do not have to do your self-care alone or in a silent environment in order to gain the benefits of restorative activities. You just need to think about what would actually refuel you so that you get something out of it.
There are a few different ways that you can think about self-care during the summer so that you can still make it work. Just remember to give yourself and your family some grace, especially in the beginning. It can be hard for everyone to adjust to a new schedule. Here are some things to think about when trying to decide how to make time for yourself:
- Take a walk while your kids are at home with your partner.
- Carve out time to do something for you in the 20 minutes following bedtime. Protect this time from scrolling on your phone.
- Find an interest or hobby that you can do alongside your kids. When my kids want to paint or do play-doh, I will often get out my own paint by number and sit and paint with them. Doing something creative feeds my soul and I am able to still sit and spend time with them while they do their own art.
- Give yourself permission to pick the music in the car!! I heard a mom say once that in their household, the driver gets to pick the music! I thought that was aweome. If you have to spend your day driving everyone else around, you should get an opportunity to pick the music. I’m not saying you have to do this all the time, but at least once a day, give yourself the permission to pick what you want to listen to. I started doing this a while ago and now my kids will request some of my favorite artists and we’ve been making a “favorites” playlist.
- Maybe one day a week let it be a lazy morning. Not every day needs to be filled to the brim right from the start. Pick one day a week where you can take it slow in the morning and not have to rush out the door to an activity.
- Choose one morning or afternoon per week to swap childcare with another mom so each of you gets a solo window of time.
Involving Your Kids
Now I know above I mentioned doing an activity with your kids. This section is not about that. This section is about how to be honest with your kids about how the summer is going to look and to set boundaries around the time that is for your self-care. I’ve mentioned before what a positive model it can be for your kids to see you prioritizing time for yourself. This a great example of a time where you can show your kids the value of slowing down and taking time each day to refuel your energy and give back to yourself.
If you have younger kids, it’s easy to fit this time in during their nap. You don’t need to have a big talk with them about it, because they probably aren’t going to understand. But if you have older kids you definitely should set some boundaries. Talk with your kids about the importance of having down time during your day so that your body and mind don’t get overwhelmed, overstimulated, or exhausted. Summer is a great time to model this for your kids because they are home more and can actually observe what this looks like. They will see you setting boundaries around your time, honoring those boundaries, and giving yourself what you need when you are feeling depleted.
Make sure that when you set these boundaries they are non-negotiable. It can be a time for everyone to do a quiet activity and recharge. Younger kids might be taking a nap, older toddlers and little kids can have quiet time in their room, older kids might have screen time or time to read quietly (or do some activity that doesn’t require your help). If you hold firm on your boundaries around this time, you kids will learn to honor it. You will be teaching them so much in holding this time for yourself.
Managing the Mom Guilt that Summer Amplifies
Doing things for yourself might always have a little tinge of guilt to it, but for some reason the summer seems to bring on an extra level. (If you struggle with guilt, check out my blog about what to do when self-care feels selfish) There might be a part of you that feels like you need to spend every minute with your kids during the summer because summer is fleeting. You know you won’t have these moments forever, so your inner critic guilts you into thinking all of your time must go to spending time with them to soak it all up. You might feel like you are wasting your summer if you are not fully engaged with your kids every hour of the day. I would like to challenge that idea for a moment. The quantity of time that we spend with our children is not what makes us a good mom, I would argue instead that it is the quality of time that matters more. If we are so focused on the number of hours we spend with them, we risk some of that time being fraught with frustration and lessened patience. It is necessary to take a break every so often to reset your energy and your mindset.
If I spend all day with my kids playing and doing what they want (or activities that are about them) but I’m not fully present, or I’m snippy because I’m overstimulated, that is not quality time. My snippy attitude and loss of patience will start to affect my children’s attitudes as well. (Check out this blog about how you kids benefit when you take time for yourself) It might be a lot of pressure, but unfortunately as a mom, our outlook and attitude towards the day often directly affects everyone else’s attitudes. I will better serve my kids if I am calm, relaxed, and feel like part of the day is just for me. In turn, my kids will feed off of my energy and benefit from time to themselves as well. I always find that after I take time to do something for me I am more engaged, more patient, and genuinely more present than on days where I don’t find time for myself. The summer is not going to change that. If anything, time to myself will be an even more important boundary to hold.
Summer Rhythms, Not Rigid Routines
During the school year most days have a pretty rigid schedule that doesn’t have any flexibility. School starts and ends at a certain time. After school activities have a specific schedule. In the summer, that is not always the case. Your kids might still have a music lesson, day camp, or other activity that starts and ends at a certain time. But for the most part, your days are probably pretty flexible. So it’s best to try to approach it that way. Don’t feel like you have to create a rigid schedule that must be followed exactly each day. Instead, try to come up with a loose rhythm that your days or weeks will follow. Allow yourself to change the plan if things seem too overwhelming or too empty.
Here are some basic ideas of what a summer rhythm could include:
- A designated quiet time each afternoon that applies to the whole household. Use that time intentionally for yourself as well, it is not a time for chores.
- A morning rhythm that includes time for yourself before the day’s unstructured summer chaos begins.
- Weekly anchors. One or two things that happen at the same time every week that give the season some structure without over scheduling your days.
- A summer bucket list that includes things you would like to do for yourself alongside the family activities. Making your desires visible and legitimate in the family’s summer planning will go a long way in making them a priority.
The Importance of Communication
Coming up with these plans are great, and a really good place to start. BUT they are not going to be realistic if you don’t communicate your needs to the other people in your home. Talking through your needs, and the necessity for them to be met, with your partner, older children that may need to help, or whoever else is a support to you, is vital. Talk honestly to them about how you need time for yourself during the summer so that you can show up as a better mom and be more present. Many moms wait and hope that someone will notice and offer, instead of simply asking for what she needs. If you are waiting, you are going to lead yourself to resentment, because often times the offer doesn’t come, or when it does, it’s not what you wanted. It is not that the other people in your life don’t think you deserve time for yourself, it’s that they don’t realize you need it. The simple fact is, you are most likely the default parent. Oftentimes, even with the most loving of husbands or partners, they don’t realize all that being the default parent truly entails. They don’t know about all of the mental lists and constant questions from everyone. The problem is, they are not inside your brain, so they don’t know what you need unless you say it out loud. (Check out my blog about how asking for help can change things) It is not a weakness to admit that you need time for yourself. It is human, and it is necessary.
Smaller, Actionable Steps
While the ideas that I gave above are great overarching ideas that you can use. There are some other smaller, more concrete ideas that might come in handy as well. These may not seem as overwhelming as some of the ideas above.
Some ideas for your self-care time:
- Wake up 15 minutes before the kids do and use that time for something that is entirely yours.
- Create a summer reading list of books you want to read and protect small pockets of time to work through it.
- Identify one thing you have been wanting to try or return to and build it into the summer schedule as a non-negotiable.
- Plan one thing per week that is just for you. A coffee date with a friend, a solo outing you ENJOY, or a class or workout you love.
Your Next Steps
Going into this summer, I want you to try thinking about it differently than you have in the past. This year, consider summer a time to honor your time alongside building memories with you kids. You do not have to put yourself and your needs on hold until September when things “return to normal.” You know that once September hits, there’s going to be another reason to put yourself aside as you help everyone else acclimate to the new school year. This summer you can be fully present with your kids while also being your complete self. Being with your kids and honoring yourself are not in competition with each other. They both play a part in who you are. It’s time to let the competition go and give both parts of you the attention they deserve.
Check out the resource I’ve created to help you think through you summer and how to fit in time for yourself. Summer Planning Freebie
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